...The Meaning of All Things...

Today I was sitting in stake conference there was a sweet little family sitting in front of us with three beautiful little girls and a baby boy.  One of the little girls, an 18 month old was sitting next her her mother.  Walking toward the family was a young couple who it seemed the husband of was the brother to the mother of the little family.  When the 18 month old saw him her face lit up and she began pointing and chattering about him.  Watching this little girl in her delight I was transported back in time.  Chancey, or Lilah, or Livvy was that little girl and I was the beloved aunt coming to visit.

My one and only sibling/sister, Caprece, died now just 5 years ago and there are many things that are difficult about her absence.  However, I would have to say the most difficult is how it has effected the dynamic of my relationship with her children, my nieces and nephews. I went from the place of a cherished aunt to a relative with very limited privileges regarding time spent with them.  I don't say this with bitterness - it is a fact.  Is it hard? Yes, heartbreaking.  I have prayed long and hard these past 5 years to find peace with my new reality, to understand why and to discover what I should change about myself to make it different.  This week I was having just such a moment.  I was thinking of them and missing them so terribly and once again evaluating, pondering and pleading with my Father in Heaven when the following scripture entered my mind...

1 Nephi 11:17...I do not know the meaning of all things.

The very nature of this life is that there will be things that we do not and will not ever know the meaning of but I felt peace because immediately following this verse the following came to me..

2 Nephi 4:19...nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

At that moment I knew he understood the longing of my heart. I felt His empathy for the pain I had experienced and was experiencing.  I felt Him acknowledge the difficulty of my situation and also the hurt I felt because I don't understand the why of the situation or how or if there is anything that I can ever do to change it.  And I also knew that I could endure it because I trusted Him. Because He is there beside me walking with me through it. I could accept that I didn't know the meaning of this thing because I trust Him.

It doesn't take away the pain, but now I can allow it to wash over me, taking away the need to know, to understand, and to change.  I can just love, love and love some more like I have done every moment since I first held each and every one of them in my arms.

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